in the raw

i dabble in religious studies every now and again
i am curious
eager to get back to my upbrining, discover why it is i left all of that behind
what was missing then and what is missing in my life now that i look back to it
sometimes i am unbearably saddened

i cannot go to church without being on the verge of sobbing through the songs, sobbing through the service--that happens every time

i do not know why--do i feel somehow betrayed?
there were so many questions unanswered by those who were supposed to be my guides

(this excludes my parents who are exemplary christians-true christians in the way that i would want to worship)

do i feel a draw to be there and then i am so overwhelmed by my usual ignorance of the church?

i am still searching---but then not searching because i have uncontrollable emotions unless my skepticism remains turned on throughout

the christians i know who are such wonderful people, not exclusive, interested in modern culture and not closed off from the world at large; also seem to be those who suffer most
and through it all they maintain their faith and look to their faith for strength and purpose

is it just that i cannot even handle the question of faith that i am not served with more struggle than i can handle?

please please tell me. please please doesn't someone know the answer.
can anyone help me without brining me to uncontrollable tears